Pain.

We try so hard to avoid it. From the moment we’re born, the conditioning begins, teaching us that pain is bad. The first time you hurt yourself, you cry and your mom or dad comes rushing, there to soothe you and tell you you’re okay. Maybe you even had a childhood where crying wasn’t okay and you were told to pull it together and smarten up.

Our society’s relationship to pain is an interesting one. So much resistance to it. So much of our innovation has been to create things to help us avoid pain, to make our lives “easier”. It’s no wonder there is addiction everywhere you look.

Currently, I’ve been navigating one of the most uncomfortable, and some may say painful parts of my life I’ve ever experienced. It has felt like I’m falling and there is nothing to grab on to. Every poor decision I’ve ever made, I’m facing. Every part of my life that isn’t in alignment is making itself VERY known. It sometimes feels like my chest is being torn open and I don’t yet know what’s wanting to burst through. Throughout this journey, I’ve noticed thoughts come in questioning my belongingness in the world that I live in. The victim story of “why me?” has played, creating the story that everyone else is just going about their regular ole 9-5 life and not having to face their deepest darkest parts. That people must look at me weirdly with worry on their mind. Having others worry about me is something I REALLY hate, I’ve realized. 

All of these thoughts stem from the belief that the pain and discomfort I’m experiencing is wrong. That in some magical way, it’s all supposed to be easy. Isn’t that the world we’ve built for ourselves? Aren’t we all supposed to just follow the steps we learned as kids and live a simple, delightful life free of inner turmoil and discomfort?

As I sit here and write this in my backyard, I actually feel incredibly happy, free and peaceful. Which makes this whole story feel so dramatic, all because when we hear pain or death, we think BAD. YIKES. OH NO. 

This time has taught me so much. Every moment I’ve felt the agony, I’ve chosen to let it be, and when I do that, it subsides. Every time I think something outside of me is going to fix this incredibly uncomfortable internal experience, I breathe and sit with myself. This has highlighted how my resistance to this pain is really the thing that’s been the hardest. The self judgement and phantom fear are really what hurts, not the actual process itself.  

This time has also brought about some very uncomfortable conversations. I’ve chosen to speak deep truths that I’ve been holding onto and that I know have been in the background running some patterns that really don’t serve me. Last night I shared with someone I love that something from my childhood that they did is something that still has a hold on me today. I shared not wanting an explanation, because my adult self knows they were doing their best and loved me deeply, but the little girl still felt it and she needed to be heard. The truth that I shared was not easy for the other person to hear. I could see it sink in… tears coming to their eyes at the realization that they didn’t keep me safe. So much of me wanted to tell them it’s all good, and I get it, but I knew that would be interrupting the healing cycle. The painful AF part of it. So we both sat in silence with tears. Letting it sink in. Deep into our bodies. Letting the pain do its work. Rewiring. Reflecting. Releasing. I could feel the shift happening within both of us and I know now that story will no longer be a part of me. I also know that there will be shifts for them too. Because we both let ourselves feel it.

I’m continually learning this pain we all want to avoid and run from is actually our greatest medicine. It’s not bad. It’s not wrong. It’s life.

It’s growth and it’s love and it’s the circle of life happening over and over within the same lifetime.

The more we outrun it, the heavier it hits, knocking us down until we have no choice but to surrender. We’re designed to evolve and we won’t stop simply because somewhere along the way we were taught life was supposed to be pain free. So as I sit here in the sun, listening to the birds, I say cheers to another day, another breath, and the acceptance of all gritty things that make up being human.