Intimacy

Intimacy… in-to-me-you-see.

How often do we define intimacy in our romantic relationships as in-to-me-you-BE.

Have you ever noticed how often we use the word “intimate” to mean “sexually active”? I’ve done it before, asking people how often they are intimate with their partner when really I was wanting to know how often they had sex. A very insightful comment on my last post reminded me that intimacy comes in so many shapes and forms, and sex is just one aspect. It had me thinking about intimacy in relationships, and all the ways we define intimacy, and all the ways we forget about it.

Intimacy does not equal sex and sex does not equal intimacy. I’m sure we can all think of those times we’ve had very non-intimate sex with someone and as well, we can remember beautiful, connected, intimate moments with another that did not involve intercourse at all. Now sex WITH intimacy? AWESOME! That’s the dream, right?

Someone wise once told me, “Foreplay begins the second you finish having sex”. What they’re really saying is that intimacy within a couple, is cultivated throughout every moment in the day, and when that experience is created, it often leads to incredible, connected sex. You have no idea how often I hear women saying “ugh, when {insert man’s name here} starts touching my leg softly, or kissing me intimately, I just know he’s trying to have sex and I get my walls up!”. They are frustrated because they can’t enjoy those gestures and immediately feel pressure. This is because we’ve treated beautiful acts of love and intimacy as “strategy” for the home run of an orgasm, and as I mentioned in my last post, that’s going to be the last thing to turn a woman on.

We are wired as human beings to learn patterns. We grow up as kids trying things out and seeing what happens. That is how we learn. We do something and get a good result, awesome! We do it again. We do something and get a poor result, avoid! That plays into our relationship patterns too. You want your girlfriend or wife to get turned on and have sex with you? You think back, “Oh, that one time I gave her a back massage, she was so turned on after! I’m going to try that now!” or “Oh, that time I kissed her a few times in the kitchen while we were having a dinner party, she went wild that night! I’m going to make out with her right now” Well, do you know WHY those actions led to sex? Because we felt SAFE. We were able to RELAX and SURRENDER and get out of our heads and into our bodies- an essential component to eroticism.

Imagine a world where you softly touched your partner as they brushed by you in the kitchen. You kiss their neck when no one is looking. You sit with them in bed for 30 minutes, making eye contact and hearing about how their day was. You brush the hair from their face when they’re reading beside you. You kiss them passionately while they’re cooking dinner and then leave to finish cleaning up. All of that is creating an atmosphere of safety, love, appreciation and anticipation. If you spend time connecting with your partner, with the intent on creating intimacy where you truly SEE them and they SEE you, you’re creating space for sex to naturally enter the realm, and if it doesn’t, that is okay too because you’re both being seen, loved and validated.

In order for us women to feel safe, we need to not feel like there is an expectation. As women (generalization coming), we spend our days fulfilling expectations; expectations others put on us, expectations we put on ourselves, and often even, trying to control others so that they meet expectations we put on them! How exhausting! And that’s what we do. In order for us to surrender and be in a space to RECEIVE and GIVE freely, we need to know, there is absolutely no expectation from us whatsoever. When you refrain from doing those loving gestures regularly and then do them prior to trying to unbutton our pants, we get where you’re going. In that moment, your goal isn’t to make us feel safe, loved and adored, your goal is to get it on. We catch on to patterns as well, and once we’re up in our heads noticing it, well good luck.

Have you ever noticed in life, when you’re working so hard to get a certain result, you become attached to the outcome and it seems so difficult to get there, but when you’re passionately working towards something greater, the results start falling into place with ease? If your focus is on making a lot of money, you always seem to be chasing it, but if you focus on creating a fulfilling abundant life using your gifts, the money follows. This applies to our relationships. It is so important for us to get really clear on the vision we have for our relationship and put our energy towards THAT. So, instead of using sex as the end goal and the measurement for a healthy relationship, let’s create a vision for an intimate, connected, loving relationship. Let’s focus on truly seeing our partners and honouring the gifts that they are in our lives. I’m telling you fellas, if that’s the vision you’re working towards, you’ll find both of you are more fulfilled and connected than ever before, which in turn will also likely lead to some bedsheet entanglement! Nothing like a good win-win.