Ladies... take responsibility for your sex life (2021 version included below)
Okay, so here it goes. I believe that it’s time for women to take more responsibility for their sex life. Now, I’m sure all the men reading this are currently sitting there going, “YES! ABOUT TIME!” and the women all have one eyebrow up thinking, “Okay Katie, not sure where you’re going with this.”
Hear me out. I did a poll on Instagram yesterday asking my peeps what their biggest relationship struggle was. The options were between “not enough sex” and “too much conflict”. The crazy thing was, it was almost an exact tie, with “not enough sex” coming in just above “too much conflict”. What this tells me is that all different types of issues are prevalent and can also fluctuate depending on the current relationship dynamic.
The other interesting thing was that the respondents for “not enough sex” were almost equally men and women. Now, I’ve spoken to enough men and women to know that, yes, sometimes the woman wants more sex in a relationship than the guy, but predominantly, it is the other way around. SO… this means that it’s probably that the women who identified not enough sex in their relationship are the ones who are not up for having all of the sex! (Beyond this poll, I also know this to be true through many conversations.)
Sexual drive and desire in monogamous relationships has fascinated me for years. Esther Perel is my hero and I’m saying it here and now, I will interview her one day. There is an epidemic of not enough sex that is sweeping across millennial North America, and yes I say millennial because that is my data sample and these juicy folks don’t have the excuse of “drying up” or “too many kids”. They just plain ole don’t want sex.
Jumping in here now to say I’m going to dig a lot deeper on elements of the bold declaration I’m making, but today I want to keep it to the point so I don’t put you all to sleep.
When I talk to women about why they aren’t having much sex, some of the reasons I hear are, “I just don’t feel that excited about him in that way anymore. He’s familiar so it’s not like I see him getting changed and I want to jump his bones.” I also hear, “He’s always horny before bed and I’m never horny then. I’m exhausted and ready to cuddle and go to sleep.” (That’s also been me). So here’s the thing ladies, we will very rarely be naturally horny to jump our man’s bones on a regular basis in a long term relationship. So let’s just get rid of that expectation right now. Men… you too. Know your lady’s sex drive does not work like yours. It does happen, but most of the time, we women don’t just get overcome with this need have an orgasm the way men do. This poses a bit of difficulty when we’ve grown up thinking about sexual desire as this intense feeling and attraction that’s supposed to come over us and then lead to passionate love making with our long term partner.
The other thing is, when we know there is pressure, a hope or expectation for sex, you best believe that you will be in your own government shut down. So what is a couple to do?? Well, men, I’m going to talk to you in another post. Today, I’m here for the women. Ladies, I want you to think about the last time you had incredible, loving, intimate sex with your partner. Imagine the feeling of freedom, the feeling of soft touch, or naughty excitement. Think about how beautiful and sexy you felt. Think about how incredible you made him feel. Now, if you’re reading this article in bed, put down your fricken laptop or phone, roll over and have the damn sex! 90% of the battle is in our heads. We have a million reasons why we don’t feel like it or why we can do it later, or why it isn’t that important to us anyways. Well, our thoughts dictate EVERYTHING. What we focus on, grows so if we’re going on and on in our heads about the stories I just mentioned, no shit we’re going to feel exactly that. It’s time to start thinking about how amazing it feels to connect with someone on that level and give without expectation and resentment. Trust me, it’s freeing. Trust me, you will get turned on faster than you could have imagined.
So much of what holds us back are stories we create in our heads. If we can let go of those stories and remember how much we actually enjoy sex, make the decision to go for it, it’s amazing the attraction and intimacy that ensues. Our desire for sex isn’t anyone else’s responsibility but ours.
Now, if you just read what I wrote and thought, “Fuck that, he has to woo me first! He has to make me feel special and loved! He doesn’t do any planning of anything and now, I have to be the one to initiate?!” then there are are bigger issues at play in your relationship and you get to work through those first. We will get to that later ;)
For now, those of you who have just felt tired, or that they don’t reeeaaalllly feel like it right now, change the story, take responsibility, and give it a go. Your relationship will thank you.
If I were to write this post now… (May 2021)
Prelude: I still believe the words that came through me in 2019 are medicine. They are a reflection of where I was at in my journey and I’m sure even today, they will land with someone who matches that frequency. Today, my process is different. My process of teaching is different as well. I very rarely want to tell someone how it is. It doesn’t feel true in my body. So as I share on this topic on May 18th, 2021, I will tell you my story. I trust that through my own journey, you will meet parts of yourself. The parts that are mine and mine only, beautiful. They are here for me to release and maybe meet someone else.
Here we go.
I don’t desire sex right now.
Not with my partner, not with myself.
My mind does, but my body doesn’t. I “think” I should be having more sex. I “want” to want more sex… and there is a deep underlying belief that I uncovered the other day that I want my partner to step up and make that happen. I want him to fix me. I want to be saved.
Fuck it’s uncomfortable to say out loud.
Do you know why I want to be saved? Because I feel lost and I want someone to come pull me out of the middle of the ocean and plop me back on the island of paradise. The way through this feels scary and mucky and I want to take the easy way out.
As this truth came through, I knew there was more. Where does this damsel in distress come from? What is the root?
Here’s what I discovered when I went digging: I want to need him. I want him to be just as big a part of the shift as I am. Why? Because I’m afraid that if I can do it all on my own, then I won’t need him anymore. And if I don’t need him, then what will happen?
I’m scared of my own power.
Fuck.
I’m realizing that I have a deep belief that needing creates safety. To be needed means that I’m safe and to need someone means that the unit is safe.
Now, I have so much evidence that this is NOT true. From my own journey, I know that when I take my experience and healing into my own hands, I become more magnetic for the things that align with me. Our relationship expands, and more space is created for him to step into what his true energetic blueprint is calling for. It’s been amazing. But this underlying belief has been sneaking back into my life lately and running the show.
It’s not just showing up in the bedroom, it’s showing up everywhere.
Finances, business, relationships.
The shadow side of the Feminine, this damsel in distress, is screaming at me and she’s screaming because she is testing my own inner Masculine. The bigness of my power is growing and it’s fucking scary. She is testing whether or not I can handle it. Whether or not I can meet the messiness and the bigness of my authentic gifts. Right now, I’m being presented with an initiation. An opportunity to build my capacity to show up for myself. To be my own leader, steward, and space holder. These are my training grounds and in meeting myself fully, I will transmute the “need” for a man, back into the “desire” for a man. I can guarantee you the energy of our relationship will shift. The energy of my life will shift. This I know to be truth. Separateness creates attraction. It creates room to play. Room to be safe and room to expand.
When I say it’s time to take responsibility for our sex life, this is what I mean. It’s taking responsibility for our whole life. Not simply rolling over and doing it any ways because I remember how good it can be. My body is showing me that I’m not longer available to override and just do it anyways. It’s saying that there is explosive, soul altering unity available in EVERY part of my life, but it’s time to take the reigns. To not look to anyone else to make this happen for me. To trust trust trust.
So now I have the choice. I can continue to flounder, waiting for someone to come, or I can dig in and show up.
The damsel in distress archetype is everywhere and I’ve realized that she’s sneaky. She’s sneaky because she doesn’t present herself as wanting to be saved, she presents herself a righteous and rude. She presents herself as a martyr, doing everything and getting nothing in return. She presents herself as a woman that can never be met.
You bet your ass this is the quickest way to repel and emasculate a Masculine being. That’s what is happening before my very eyes.
The Feminine desires to express, to be messy. The Masculine desires to create and to provide. In the relationship, my lack of self-stewardship threatens his safety of creation and accomplishment. And his uncertainty threatens my safety for messy expression. There is no cause and effect. It’s happening all at the same time. Which means when one energy shifts, the entire system shifts. That’s where I feel empowered and I hope you do too.
I see this dynamic playing collectively right now and I see it deeply ingrained in our modern feminist movement as well as the global social crises we are facing on a daily basis. The world feels like a bunch of damsels waiting to be saved. Waiting to be plopped back on paradise island. Perhaps this is our biggest initiation yet. The opportunity for us all to root down into what’s really below that feeling… the feeling of helplessness and maybe even the attachment to being helpless. Maybe every one of us will see that in some way, we fear our own power. May we realize we are already much more than we’ve allowed ourselves to believe. It’s that knowing that I believe will make the biggest shift, and that’s the kind of responsibility I stand for.