What if i change my mind?

Commitment.. a word I still struggle to spell (how many m’s and how many t’s???), even after writing it and saying it a thousand times this last year. Is that a sign? Today I coached someone on their fear of commitment and it brought up a lot for me and my experience in the past and present with commitment. Committing to literally ANYTHING used to give me anxiety. When I was kid, I had to try on 70 pairs of running shoes before choosing my pair. What if I regretted it?? What if my feet morphed shape and grew 2 inches and they didn’t fit next week? This anxiety was amplified when it came to committing to people. I still have a very vivid memory of an experience I had in grade 7. I liked a boy. He found out and told me he liked me too. Of course, we immediately became boyfriend and girlfriend and then all of a sudden, I didn’t like him anymore. Shit. I had a crush on someone else! Well, three days later, I decided to be the strong 7th grader I was and be honest with my new boyfriend that I didn’t want to be in relationship anymore. He was upset and it only fuelled the fire when I started going out with the other guy just a few days after that. I felt awful, but also, I was trying to stay true to myself. What I remember the most, was that year in my yearbook, people wrote horrible things about me. They called me names, “evil”, “a whore”, all because of this romantic love triangle I put myself in. Of course it was only the first guy’s friends who wrote those things, but to me it was affirmation that I couldn’t trust myself when it came to my feelings and I have the power to really hurt someone and be shamed for it.

There began my pattern of not trusting myself with relationships. As an empath, and someone who felt valued when she helped others, the idea of hurting someone else was debilitating. For a long time, my self-worth was tied to what I could provide for others. I’m still working on this. I’m still working on being enough and actually receiving instead of thinking I can solve every person’s problems and they will love me for it. So when someone would become interested in me romantically, my commitment antennas would go up and I’d slowly dip my toes in relationship to test the waters but never fully committing, ensuring I didn’t put myself into a situation where I would change my mind and have to break someone’s heart.

Well let me tell you, a relationship where you’re holding back, testing every interaction and analyzing your feelings in your head, simply ain’t no fun! It also does not give the other person the opportunity to either step up and into relationship with you or not. In order for the intimacy and love to grow between two people, it takes openness, willingness and letting go. It takes jumping in and connecting with yourself heart, body and soul. If you give it a go, and have stayed honest with yourself and the other person, and you find it isn’t what you’re looking for or you don’t connect the way you know is meant for you, then that is okay! Goodbye! Of course the other person may hurt, but it isn’t your responsibility. It is your responsibility, if you’re going to explore things, to give it a whole hearted shot. Otherwise, if it doesn’t feel right at the beginning, have the strength to say no and move on.

My mother once told me, “there is freedom in commitment,” and she is so right. Commitment allows us to fully let go and BE. It allows us to work towards something and embrace all that it is. It takes us out of analysis and into gratitude. With any contract, or commitment, there is always the opportunity to renegotiate and making a commitment doesn’t mean we lose our power to make decisions. So the next time you have a choice to give it a go, why not say yes and see what opportunities you unlock?