Swipe White

Below is a piece that I wrote back in 2016. I left it exactly as I wrote it. Enjoy.

It was a Wednesday night and I had no plans except to spend some time with my roommate and unpack from my recent trip to Hawaii (where, apparently being sun-safe meant returning no visible signs of my trip except a t-shirt). We were finishing up dinner and having a glass of wine when that oh so exciting Tinder ring dinged on my phone. It was a message from a recent match who I’ll call “Harry”. It was the typical “hey what’s up?” message to which I replied “oh just having a glass of wine with my roommate, you?” I then told my roommate, half jokingly, that maybe I should grab a drink with Harry as she was heading to her boyfriend’s place. Harry replied with, “Come have a glass of wine with me at a bar.” OH. MY. GOD. IT’S LIKE ONE MIND. Naturally, I answered in about 4 seconds with, “Okay, see you at 8”. Now, let me explain a couple things before you start making some judgments (those can be reserved for after about 5 minutes into the date): 

1. I’m new to Tinder. I have only had one Tinder date before this and it was a 6-hour magical encounter that blossomed into an incredible 5-week experience. We won’t talk about how that one ended, but as someone once said to me, “Well that’s not Tinder’s, fault, that’s yours!”

2.  I’m currently in this phase of my life where I’m “taking back my own happiness!” and sometimes that makes me feel invincible. So when this exciting little serendipitous opportunity presented itself to me, I thought, “Why not? This is how you meet people!”

3. His profile said he was 2 km away, so that added bonus points for convenience. Had he been 5 km away, I likely would have stayed home. 

So here I am, on my way to meet Harry, who actually has a photo of him in his profile with a girl named Angela who is good friends with one of my best friends. Great, a connection, he’s not a weirdo! As my roommate and I are walking toward the bar, he messages me saying that he is going to be early and that he had heard it’s now fashionable to be early. “They changed it back in ’09.” I smile and say to my friend, “He’s funny”. 

At exactly, 8:02, I walk in and he is sitting at the bar. I smile. He doesn’t. I walk up to him and he doesn’t stand. I pull out my stool and sit down. It takes me about 7 minutes to go through the beer menu with the bartender because apparently they are out of EVERYTHING. I ask Harry what he’s drinking. “I don’t know. I don’t like beer. I just ordered it to fit in.” How cute, he’s so honest and vulnerable. I then ask him what he does like to drink and he replies with, “Kool-Aid”. Ha-ha, what a funny guy. I skip ahead to tell you that for his second drink, after being encouraged to order something he actually likes, he tries to order Kool-Aid. The bar we are at doesn’t serve Kool-Aid- SHOCKER. I am now starting to think that maybe he isn’t trying to be funny after all. 

We start chatting about what our backgrounds are. I tell him he sounds as though he has some sort of European accent and he tells me he was born and raised in Northern Ontario but he gets that a lot. Now, I too was born in Northern Ontario  (farther North than he actually) and I not once have been told that I sound European. (In hindsight, Red flag number one.) 

We talk about his background (Spanish and Scottish) and then he asks if I’m Irish. I tell him I’m 1/16th but that there are lots of other countries represented in my family history. “Ton’s of other European countries? British etc.?” he asks. 

“Pretty much! But I’m also part Metis.” 

“Oh,” is about all I get. The look on his face changes slightly but I’m blabbering away about how apparently I may get some status card that I’m too busy to notice. Red flag number two.

We then acknowledge based on our Tinder profiles that we both work in apparel (Thank you Tinder for allowing me to include my profession). I tell him I provide custom logoed clothing for university faculties. We build online stores where people can log in and buy everything online. I’m very proud of this, and it usually impresses guys that I run my own business. He doesn’t really seem to care so I ask him about his business. He tells me he sells clothing with political references on them and portions of the proceeds go to the political journals he supports. Wow, this guy is into politics, pretty cool because I don’t follow politics at all. I’m impressed he cares about something other than himself. AND he reads political journals when he isn’t even forced to! I don’t ask him what type of politics (oops) and we move on.

He has this interesting way about him that intrigues me. He knows he is different but doesn’t care. He has a confidence that I admire and although I quickly realize Harry and I will not live happily ever after with a dog and two kids, I am enjoying learning about someone who I can tell is very different than myself. 

We move on to hobbies and talk about how we’re both somewhat creative. He tells me that he likes to make sculptures.

Wow, how in the heck do you learn to do that?  I ask him to tell me about them and he proceeds to inform me that he creates sculptures of naked strong men fighting each other… I will let that one sink in for a moment…. And one more moment… okay, moving on. I ask him to explain how he does that. Did you know they start with a wire frame and then just put adult plasticine on top?? THERE IS NO CHISELING! Man, modern day art just isn’t the same. He probably got his first sculpture kit at Mastermind.

Anyways, after my sculpture tutorial, he tells me he wants to make a documentary. Wow, interesting! What kind of documentary?  Well, he would like to make a documentary that shows the world that birth control is cultural genocide. (Red flag number three.) I ask him to explain this very interesting theory. He tells me that birth control was originally invented to suppress population growth in various cultures or segments of the population. (I know nothing about the history of birth control because I am basic with very little cultural history knowledge so I take this at face value). He also says that basically European and North American cultures are the only ones who really take contraceptives. He says that it tends to be the smarter, more educated people within those cultures that take birth control (statistically of course), so over time it’s really the stupid people who reproduce. He emphasizes that as a “civilization” we are not reproducing nearly as much as we used to, so of course, eventually we will die out. 

So here is where I really start to wish I was more vocal about what a nut job he was but my response is only “okay… but why do you care?” He then quotes Nietzsche about how “will “is the driving force in humans and is stronger than reason and knowledge and that basically he has no reason to care except that he wants to win. 

Okay, so I know at this point you’re thinking, “WHY AREN’T YOU FEIGNING FATIGUE AND GETTING READY TO EXIST STAGE LEFT?” And I sometimes wonder the same thing. I will say that personality-wise, this guy didn’t seem super bizarre. I wasn’t scared for my safety (this statement I will repeat again later) and I didn’t think he was a total weirdo in the way that he acted. I did sort of feel like I was talking to an alien but instead of really listening to what he was saying, I was thinking about how interesting it was to talk to someone who had COMPLETELY different opinions and ideas as my own and that most of my life is surrounded by people who think like me. I even told him that I love traveling because I love meeting people from the places I visit and learning how they see the world, which is typically different than how I do. Surprise- Harry doesn’t like travelling. He tells me it is because whenever he is in a marketplace in some foreign country, he thinks he should be in some sort of action movie chase because he loves violent movies. Hmm. . Our drinks are finished and our romantic connection is about as strong as that of a beetle and the shoe that is about to squash it. He asks me how I’m getting home. I hesitate, because as opposed to the seasoned Tinderer who would quickly say “an Uber,” my mind starts wondering if the 20-minute walk home would be worth saving the money. “I’ll walk you home” he says. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Of course, I don’t need to get up early tomorrow.” So I accept.

Now before you start yelling at the computer screen (if you haven’t already started), I do think that he was making a gentlemanly move. (He’s been such a gentleman all night, right??) It did seem sincere and I wasn’t feeling nervous or uncomfortable. The bill arrives.  The total is  $21.  He has a twenty and asks if I have 5. I give $5 in change and then toss him a toonie to help contribute to the rest. He accepts.

We walk outside and he looks at me and asks, “How tall are you?” “5’7”, actually I’m really 5’6” and three quarters but it’s pretty close (Katie, shut up)”. He grins and goes to answer but stops himself. “Never mind, I’m going to sound creepy.” Hahahahahah. “You told me you want to create a documentary about abolishing birth control, I think I can handle it. Am I too short for you?” “Well yes my mom is 5’ 10” and my sister is 5’ 8” so I think I need someone who is at least that height.” Okay that isn’t THAT weird, maybe he is an athlete. “Oh so your kids can be excellent athletes?” I ask.

“No, so that they can be strong on the battle field when I become Emperor and wage war on the rest of the world.” 

Oh….SHIT. At this point we’re almost home. I’m still amused that his wacko thinks he is going to be Emperor. I talk about how I hate war and violence and start rambling just trying to fill the space. “I can’t even watch fireworks they scare me so much!”  He laughs. Harry loves violence. Harry loves violent movies and war. Harry is scary. Harry also gets together with a group of 15 people every month and they do speeches about their shared political beliefs. They have turned away 35 people because he “only wants cool people in their group.” Right. 

After what actually doesn’t feel like very long, we get to my house and I say, “well this is me (I know, I know, I should have taken him to a different house), I have had a really nice time learning about your ideas”. We have the most platonic hug goodbye ever (Picture hugging your 300 lb aunt Suzie when she hasn’t brushed her teeth in three days) and off I go.

So, you’d think at this point I’d be a little freaked out. But no, I was entertained. Wow! Who would have known I’d have such a hilarious and interesting encounter with someone!  I then decide to ask my friend who is friends with Angela from his photo. “Tell me about this guy! Ask her if he was fucking with me”. My friend then tells me I just went out on a date with Angela’s brother, who is apparently quite weird and the stuff I told her doesn’t surprise her. Huh. Interesting.

Let’s fast-forward about 12 hours after she talks to Angela. She calls and says, “Katie, I just spoke with Angela and she is very upset. Harry is a full on white supremacist and she doesn’t associate with him anymore because she is so against his beliefs and is ashamed of him.”  (Hey Angela, just and FYI, you’re on his Tinder profile at the moment, so you might want to tell him to get rid of that photo.) I sit there for a minute, stunned. Whoa… I knew this guy was a bit cray cray, but how did I not clue in to it all??

I actually feel sick to my stomach. I go over every moment of the date and the pieces start to fall into place. I feel stupid. I feel naïve. I feel confused because I didn’t have a bad time and I wonder what all that means. I tell some friends, they said they would have picked up on that right away. Why didn’t I? Am I that naïve to not realize what he was really saying?  I knew we shared different beliefs, but I also knew I couldn’t argue with him because he has read so much on his philosophies and I just believe in mine because I do. Had I pushed back, our arguments would likely have gone something like “Philosopher/ historian so and so said this and that, and back in 1615 this happened and the only reason that we exist today is because of it and we need to continue with that.” And I would respond with, “But that hurts people and why do we need to be the same as we have always been? We don’t need to punish people we are different from.” And he would reply with, “That is how this world has always worked. That is why you are even alive. This is what needs to happen in order for things to continue in the right path.” and at that point I’d be out of ammo and feel helpless.  He would have won. This story could have also been named, That Time I Argued with a White Supremacist and Lost. 

Some people have said that instead of feeling gross, I should be happy that I am open to listening to other people’s opinions with such an open mind. And maybe that is partially true. Isn’t that what we ask people to do? Listen without judgment? I do think that so many people forget to really listen to what others are saying. We have such a global planet yet honest and open debate rarely exists between parties. Maybe more problems would be solved if it did. But there is something else I have learned from this. If you believe something, educate yourself on why. Be strong in your beliefs and understand why you feel the way you do on certain topics. Don’t just believe something because “that’s how it is”. Make sure you know why, because you never know when you might accidentally swipe right to someone who feels the complete opposite. 

2023 Katie here. I hope you enjoyed a glimpse into my world at that time in my life. Re-reading it, there is so much that has changed with me. For one, I am much less naive. And not JUST in the oh let’s go on a date with a random and not clue in to all the weird things he’s saying, but also in the way I hold my own and others’ beliefs. The sweet innocent Katie who just believes we should all sing kumbaya together has grown and matured. I actually see the value in really understanding how we have come to arrive where we are today and that there are some really hard parts of being human that I didn’t want to look at back then. No, I do not agree with this man’s beliefs and the ridiculousness of what he shared is all still there. But I do know that we’re in a time where things are much more complex than most of us understand. And they require a much deeper and broader understanding of systems and governments and how we have landed here. I still appreciate my curiosity and ability to see the human behind the beliefs that I held and still hold now. Beliefs change. And we need to hold them loosely. I may have more to say on this piece because it was a really powerful interaction for me. The things that I questioned about myself after having had the encounter. The self-judgement and shame that I didn’t fight him. Ha.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the read and if it sparked anything in you, I’d love to hear.

Also, one thing Harry and I can really agree on today is that hormonal birth control sucks. It is a way to control people and not the incredible dose of female liberation I once thought it was.